2004-02-13 - 5:03 p.m.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Today marks the ever bizarre 24 hour period in which society fears fateful events brought upon them through the occurrences of unorthodox actions; otherwise known as “Friday the 13th”. But in these times of worries and fright, the popular self-help group “Avoiding Ladders for an Awesome Nation”, or “ALAN”, has released a list of safety precautions for you and your family to practice readily within these troubled times. Please pass it along so that as many people as possible may brace themselves accordingly.

1. When looking into a mirror, don’t be ugly. Being ugly could result in the mirror shattering, starting a long seven years filled with misfortune for the victim. If you are ugly, please avoid all mirrors, as well as funhouses and hardware stores.

2. Please do not attend or participate in any sort of black cat appreciation parade. This is especially crucial if it is being held indoors and raining simultaneously, due to potential indoor umbrella complications.

3. If at any time an open ladder comes between you and your progression to point B, evacuate or reroute your forward progress immediately! Any run-ins with a ladder within these 24 hours could be very dangerous, as well as potentially fatal.

4. If you plan on juggling any combination of objects today, make sure that you do not juggle anything containing salt. If you were to drop or spill salt, please seek heavily fortified shelter.

I, as well as ALAN, wish you and your loved ones the best of luck on this dangerous day. Please drive carefully and look out for cracks.

The Amazing Spider-Man - Web of Spider-Man